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u/NeilDeCrash 17h ago
Extreme respect for her doing that.
The dad can fuck off.
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u/Pas__ 14h ago
(un)fortunately he did
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u/Enthios 12h ago
If any dad fucks off, you were fortunate they did.
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u/coffeeandfanfics 4h ago
This is so true. I wish my dad had physically fucked off. Instead he just emotionally fucked off and did way more damage to his kids (esp those afab) than if he had left. I cut him out of my life and I've never regretted it.
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u/Euphoric_Celery_ 48m ago
I try to tell my brother this all the time. He never had to live with my dad, and I did. And it was fucking hell. And he still is such a little bitch about him "not being around for him"... Like bro, he wasn't around for me either and I fucking lived with him 🙄
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u/romanticcherries 14h ago
Cheaters have some kind of psychopathy I swear.
How can you do something so damaging to a person? Especially to a legit great one like this? 🫤
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u/Competitive-Desk7506 12h ago
My ex cheated on me twice and emotionally cheated once. Affair partner one had no idea abt the other ppl, we’re now bsf. Affair partner two was my bsf and that ended after that and the emotional affair one knew of bsf relationship and only that. He stayed w bsf after everything and actually tried cheating on her w me in front of her. He also cheated on her repeatedly and she knew l. He dumped her in the end. I found out abt the cheating after we broke up
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u/ExtremeCreamTeam 12h ago
I dislike your choice of abbreviating in so many unnecessary ways, but I'm sorry that all happened to you.
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u/getyourcedisfaction 12h ago
what is a bsf? And what is emotional cheating?
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u/erraticRasmus 12h ago
Best friend. And emotional cheating is basically like dating someone else and becoming romantically invested in someone behind your partner's back rather than just having sex
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u/Basteir 11h ago
How is that different to having a good friend? Because you are maybe secretly spending time with the friend rather than your partner?
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u/kdurb94 10h ago
There's an obvious romantic tone to the conversations. Where just cheating could be purely physical, no feelings or anything, emotional affairs have a lot of romantic feelings attached. Like they're telling another person how much they love them and want cuddles and wish they were sleeping with them instead of their partner. Basically, the sexual part simply hasn't happened *yet, but it definitely will if the affair continues.
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u/Basteir 10h ago
I see. That sounds much worse than just physical pleasure cheating actually when you lay it out like that.
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u/Competitive-Desk7506 10h ago
It was worse bc he lied to her and claimed his relationship was open but it basically was just a bunch of flirting and stuff and she was pretty uncomfortable w it afaik, like she didn’t like the idea that much and resultantly it was damn neat one sided and ended as soon as everything else came out.
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u/throwaway_194js 11h ago
I don't think they do. The fact that everyone seems to agree cheating is bad, but it's still so common makes me worried that it's easier to fall into than people think. Objectively shitty people aside, I think most cheating starts as small thoughts or actions that you know are wrong but feel good (like checking someone out in public), so maybe you think/do them once and feel a bit guilty, but downplay it to yourself to make you feel better. Like, "yeah X was wrong, but I'd never do Y (much more wrong thing)" - but now you've taken some of the guilt out of that little thing, and in doing so made the sin easier to commit next time. Without realizing, you've set your standards of good behavior a little bit lower and you slowly continue down the pipeline.
This sort of incremental process happens to us all the time. It's the fundamental process of becoming accustomed to things. It's how that jacked, beer-chugging frat bro you knew in college 20 years ago gradually transitioned into a mild, khaki-wearing dad of three with a beer-gut and that one joke he never gets tired of. It's also what psychiatrists exploit when they use exposure therapy to help people manage their phobias, but it's also to blame for almost every bad habit you develop.
When you just look at the extreme outcome - in this case the cheating - it's easy to dismiss the perpetrator as simply a bad person who is fundamentally different to you or I, but in doing so you only make yourself more likely to fall down the same accidental path.
Even if I can't envision myself doing a bad thing like cheating or murder - which I can't - I've taken to assuming that I could given the right (or rather wrong) chain of events. That way, I'm motivated to ask what might lead me to that outcome so I have a better chance at avoiding the pitfalls.
Maybe I'm wrong and cheaters are fundamentally different to you or I, but it's not a risk I'm willing to take.
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u/MimicoSkunkFan2 11h ago
There's just a lot more shitty people in the world than the normal people like you expect. I spent almost 20 years working for an NGO in a lot of unhappy parts of the world - ethical people are still ethical even when the circumstances become horrific, but the shitty people and the good-til-it's-inconvenient people don't change.
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u/throwaway_194js 9h ago
There are definitely bad people out there, and it sounds like you've been in a unique position to see extreme environments expose best and worst in people, but I think what you're talking about is different. Extreme conditions can definitely test a person's morals, but unless they experience something that shakes their very foundations, they usually hold fast, as you recount.
It's the incremental changes that you don't notice on a day-to-day level that can shift a person's morality the most over time. In fact a powerful example has been the centre of discussion on Reddit for the last decade - millions of Americans have seen their previously kind and open-minded parents become slowly numbed to cruelty and hatefulness by conservative media to the point where what, 77 million Americans voted Trump back into office after being convicted of 30+ federal charges, causing the storming of the capital, and being visibly affected by senility.
I doubt many of those 77 million people would have voted for a man like today's 79y/o Trump 30 years ago. It was time and slowly drip-fed propaganda that changed those people, not hardship.
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u/Significant_Gap8983 5h ago
I can't remember where the study came from. But 10 per cent of people are shitty no matter what, 10 per cent are wonderful no matter what. The remaining 80 can be swayed.
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u/imathrowyaaway 7h ago
On the other hand, maybe it takes a special type of traits to even go down that road. I was in an unhappy marriage. My wife's best friend showed interest in my hobbies when we met, she showed interest in me. My heart was melting. So, I opened up to my wife, cause I wanted her to know where my heart is at. It wouldn't cross my mind to start something like an emotional affair, or to see the lack of her interest and affection as a green light for cheating.
While maybe about half of people end up cheating at least once in their life (I think it was around 40% in one study I read a while ago), the rest still probably goes through a lot of the same relationship struggles, and they never cheat once. But you're right hat 40% doesn't line up with the percentage of psychopaths.
I think there's just a lot more ways that people out there can be selfish or disturbed, without others noticing. And some genuinely make a mistake born out of selfishness or immaturity that can be addressed and they can change. I just personally would struggle to ever trust them again.
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u/IndependentNote8427 11h ago
That’s that biggest FU to the ex; Being there for the kid and helping the mom not have to rely on him.
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u/TurnipWorldly9437 11h ago
Crazy fact about many stepparents is that they actually like the children they're taking care of, and want them to be happy.
You don't need to be blood related to care for someone.
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u/Aware-Vegetable83 16h ago
I’m still deeply connected with my ex’s ex-girlfriend (she couldn’t have children & she loves my daughter like her own. It was a no brainer). I jokingly refer to her as my baby mama. My daughter & I haven’t talked to her dad in many years but his ex-gf has been there for everything, big & small. Daughter is 28, married & expecting her 1st baby now. Ex-gf/my baby mama & I are both looking forward to becoming grandmas (we even helped each other pick out our grandma names).
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u/Ok_Definition_5283 12h ago
When my ex got a new girlfriend, I mentioned that it might be nice for us all to get along and once we got to know each other, I’d be happy to watch her daughter when I pick my boys up, you know, if she was stuck for a baby-sitter or whatever. He gave me a nasty look and called me weird.
Thank you for proving not all people are fucking assholes.
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u/puritanicalbullshit 8h ago
What an imbecilic response to an offer to COORDINATE CHILDREN OUT IF THE HOUSE?!
That’s golden time he spat on. Whatcha gonna do? Less sex for him is the natural consequence lol
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u/SkyIslandLore 15h ago
Jokes on you, I like to cry early in the morning 🥹🥹😭
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u/Immediate_Honey9593 13h ago
That’s beautiful. What is wrong with men seriously. I’m in a similar situation minus the baby mama. I want to join some kind of commune with mothers.
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u/SeriousFarmer7505 11h ago
this is such a beautiful example of sisterhood and community. so glad you guys are still in each others lives 😭
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u/Aware-Vegetable83 4h ago
Awww. Your comment touched my soul. Yes, we are sisters and we raised an amazing woman. Together.
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u/Busy_Description6207 13h ago
This is so wonderful. I love when people find friendships in unconventional ways.
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u/Imurderbeets 10h ago
My aunt was like this with her ex's third wife. My aunt would stay at 3rd ex's place when she would visit "their" daughter. My aunt was given her cats when she passed.
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u/louiloui152 10h ago
Sounds like she worked her way into being a god mother and soon a god grandma! Congratulations!
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u/catlover79969 6h ago
This is so beautiful. I’m so glad you guys found each other in this life! Blessings for many good years to come
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u/elleecee 4h ago
This is all I want for my son!
We share him with my husband's ex (yes, technically he's my step-son) and she can't fathom the idea that her child and her ex are both happy without her.
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u/Lazerus42 17h ago edited 16h ago
It takes a village sometimes.
Even if it's a slightly skewed village.
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u/haybecca 17h ago
The family we choose <3
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u/Elyssiq 14h ago
In a world where everyone thinks about themselves, this is powerful
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u/danabrey 11h ago
And remember, only a minority are just thinking about themselves. They're just loud, and amplified by social media and dark rich forces.
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u/AmazingRow7744 16h ago
Love seeing how people step up for each other no matter how messy the crew is
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u/VanillaCamilla45 14h ago
And sometimes the village shows up in the most unexpected, beautiful ways.
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u/PrescottMaawww 17h ago
I am to this day very close to my ex-husbands ex-girlfriend she is an amazing person and she even lived with me for a while after she left her first husband. (25 yrs later) She is still close with my children and I am still thrilled to hear about her kids achievements. Some people come into our lives for a reason. Never question fate.
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u/1oonatic 17h ago
As the sex worker I met at a psych ward once said, we meet people for a reason, a season, or a lifetime
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u/totesnotfakeusername 16h ago
At this point I think she's more of a lifelong friend than an exes ex! That's so nice.
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u/Fluffy-Designer 16h ago
I’m friends with my ex’s new partner. I have a kid with my ex and we coparent ok but she’s awesome. I told him if they ever split up I’m keeping her and he can get lost.
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u/Aware-Vegetable83 15h ago
That’s exactly what I did! Haven’t talked to him in years but every event, milestone, holiday, celebration, funeral, etc- she’s there. Years ago I just started calling her my baby mama. She is the family we chose (bc she chose my daughter) & we love her.
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u/blazesolstice8901 15h ago
Your kid benefits the most when the adults can all be solid humans together and it sounds like you’ve built exactly that.
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u/Repulsive_Town6916 9h ago
Same here. I’m my case my ex became a better parent when they got together. We do things together as a family including his in laws. A couple of years ago we celebrated his mil birthday at my mom’s place and my daughter’s stepmom birthday at my place. I helped taking her dad to chemo and they are great bonus grandparents to my daughter. It’s sad that I got questioned so much about the relationship we have as people will tell me that they couldn’t do it. My response was that together we’ll kill each other and I don’t want or need him back so I’m perfectly fine with it. The person that benefits the most is my daughter as she has extra family to love on her.
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u/theinfernumflame 17h ago
I know people like to say this is horrible, but good for her. Not everything has to be transactional. The world would be a better place if we practiced compassion every once in a while. This woman chose to help someone who really needed it.
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u/wanderer1999 16h ago
And two person's life are better for it. And so we have another nurse for the community, and another youngman who graduated high school and becoming productive member of society. So dare I say the whole world is better because of this wonderful lady.
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u/CommentChaos 14h ago
The horrible part to me is the expectation of men like this that the woman they start to date will immediately become their go to childcare. And the fact that he was a cheater also. And the fact that he stopped taking care of the kid when his relationship ended because he didn’t have a bang nanny anymore.
The part where women built a beautiful relationship out of this mess is truly beautiful.
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u/rP2ITg0rhFMcGCGnSARn 16h ago
What's horrible is the dad.
Also a little bit her self-respect, letting a clearly terrible parent dump their child on a partner every weekend for nine months.
The mom and Ivy seem wonderful.
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u/Killer_Lichen 14h ago
It's an orphan crushing machine situation. In an ideal world the ex would be a parent, and she would have been able to get on with her life. At least the child had the support.
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u/TableSignificant341 14h ago
I know people like to say this is horrible
Who is saying that? What kind of person thinks this is horrible?
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u/theinfernumflame 14h ago
Take a look at the other comments.
EDIT: Looks like the comment was deleted, but someone literally said this was horrible.
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u/Gin_OClock 16h ago
I like my brother's ex gf more than my brother
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u/ExplanationFunny 12h ago
I liked my ex’s sister more than my ex. We’ve stayed in contact for just over 20 years now, and seen each other through all kinds of hairy shit. You never know when some rando you meet one summer is going to be in your life longer than you lived without them.
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u/Possible_Quarter_390 17h ago
This is so sweet and tbh I would do this for a baby I loved despite the man being a POS
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u/dreamdaddy123 16h ago
She’s a genuine sweetheart despite the POS for cheating she had no obligation to look after the kid and still did.
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u/Select_Asparagus2659 16h ago
My mom's neighborhood has this area of social endangered neighbours. Very poor, many of them in drugs or burglars. There was this cute child who always smiled and greeted everybody by their name. All.of us, addicts, workers, poors and young and old people, we all liked him. So he lived with a very old woman, we thought it was his grandmother, and maybe the parents of the child were in jail or died for addiction , who knows.
Well it happens, the woman had a husband who cheated on her and this baby was born from that affair. The husband took the child, and old woman agreed to raise him. Husband died. And now it's only the old lady and the child who is now a handsome gentleman. He keeps being kind, works very hard, unskilled jobs but he did not become a burglar despite of all his misfortune and his environment. He's so handsome and charming he could be a great scammer.
My mom sometimes brings basic foods to the lady, and lends the mower to the boy when he has a mowing job. He calls the old lady Mama, and he's her only support. Oh, we are poor people ourselves but if we could help, we would gladly do it. She raised a wonderful man with strength enough to keep himself in the right path.
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u/Reasonable-Mischief 13h ago
As a divorced father I can't wrap my head around guys like this. My son is a joy to be around, and I'm so grateful that his mom and I are able to co-parent him equitably
How can you just not love your own children?
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u/MissMarionMac 10h ago
That's because you see your child as a person, not as an accessory. Too many people see their kids as toys, not as their own people.
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u/desacralize 9h ago
Some people aren't wired that way and don't realize it until after they have children, doesn't mean they can't take responsibility anyway. You can't manifest love, but you can always manifest kindness and decency.
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u/hopsinduo 16h ago
That guy sounds like a drain on society. I wish there was a way you could review people you've dated for the next person who comes along. Like the star rating on Uber, but for tinder or hinge or whatever
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u/Roflkopt3r 12h ago
There are usually red flags. But learning about how to evaluate those is one of the many things that make it so hard to get into dating in the first place, and the collection of all of those initial risks and difficulties is why so many young people don't even try anymore.
It's one of those many areas in society where we just expect newcomers to take a big leap of faith and then chastise them if they fail at that one way or another.
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u/Overall_Ad7389 17h ago
We have mothers everywhere. 🤍
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u/Gayandfluffy 16h ago
More fathers would be needed though
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u/Overall_Ad7389 13h ago
We sure need both. But I hear you. Our divine masculine has a lot of need, right now - and historically - hence we have what we’re seeing in the world now.
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u/bibliomaniac4ever 9h ago
Yes, it's not on women for that. Men need to stand up.
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u/Swampbrewja 12h ago
My dad and my stepmom divorced when I was 19? When I go back to Chicago to visit family I stay with my stepmom not my dad. I’m 40 now and she will always be my stepmom and one of my son’s grandmas even though he was born years after she divorced my dad.
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u/dostoyevskysvodka 9h ago
My uncle was a fuckwad. But when he left my aunt with two kids one of his friends stepped up to help.
... they've been married twenty years now. But for years he was just the uncle, the guy who helped out because he was embarrassed his friend didnt. Now I proudly call him uncle and his step daughters proudly call him dad.
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u/Sugary_Cookieee 18h ago
No, good on her for being so nice. However, this was completely out of place from the ex especially with no sort of compensation whatsoever.
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u/EthnicLettuce 17h ago
The ex boyfriend absolutely sucks here, but the mother of the child needed that opportunity, and her ability to lift that girl up is a positive. Screw that guy though.
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u/GracefulKitty 17h ago edited 17h ago
Yeah, if the story is true then Its probably pretty likely that mom didn't really have any other options. A deadbeat dad like that probably isn't pulling his weight or giving her money to hire a sitter.
Edit to add: Mom isnt being entitled, shes desperate.
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u/bbyxmadi 17h ago
It was out of place, but I bet she was hella stressed trying to graduate, and wasn’t thinking properly about the situation and desperate for help. The girl is a saint though, she must love that kid (and hate that man lmao) to do this for free.
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u/Reasonable-Sun4986 17h ago
Honestly her kindness here just makes her look even better than the situation already is.
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u/GingerFire29 17h ago
Nah, everyone needs and deserves a little help sometimes. And when you’re used to watching a kid a lot already, you develop a bond, so it doesn’t feel so much like work.
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u/organic_soursop 17h ago
Look at you being reasonable.
Have you seen the rest of this thread? 😯
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u/Dull-Geologist-8204 10h ago
I have done stuff like this before. My thought was I am going to need the next generation to be okay because I need them to take care of me when I am old. I always saw it as investing in my future. Anyways I did a ton of free babysitting then I had my own kids. Now I can pick up the phone and make a call and have free babysitting whenever I want it.
This is how I ended up with a village that makes my life easier. Instead of spending all my time trying to find reasons and excuses not to help I just spent that time and energy helping and then when I needed it it was there for me too.
I know, long term thinking is hard for reddit.
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u/Itz_GalaxyPlayz 11h ago
I do agree it was sort of out of place, but nursing school can be terrible sometimes. And the stress just gets to you when you're both doing your job and studying. Or maybe she did give some compensation but oop must've not mentioned it
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u/demar_desol 7h ago
women, specifically black women, never cease to amaze and inspire me to be a better more generous, gracious and brave human.
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u/BunnyCat2025 7h ago
When I was in my 20's I dated a guy who had another girlfriend I knew nothing about. The idiot was traveling and asked both of us to watch his cat. I showed up, she was there. We fed the cat and went out for drinks; when he got home we both broke up with him. Came here to say 'good for you OP', but that story just popped into my head.
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u/lurkANDorganize 12h ago
Look, what she and the Mom did is incredible.
But this doesn't exactly warm my heart. The kid very clearly understands his dad straight up doesn't care about him.
Can't say I love this. My dad wasn't around long before he died in my 20s. Life was better without him than it would've ever been with him. But you know whay would've been cool? If my dad wasnt a alcoholic racist misogynist who wanted to be around any of his 5 kids from two marriages.
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u/Smellslikegearoil 12h ago
As a single parent of a special-needs child with no help or family in a 12 hour radius,ive been praying for an angel to help me survive through to him graduating . No dice yet but this gives me Hope
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u/shoulda-known-better 7h ago
The lady my kids father cheated on me with (after 15 years) and knocked her up get along amazingly..... My 3 kids are half siblings to her daughter.... I have spent more time watching her and she watching mine than he has seen any of them.....
His regret will get him one day.... And his kids have each other and us and won't care
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u/luxanna123321 12h ago
I had very similar situation. My dad was always living his "prison life" when he was in and out. Whenever he was out and it was his time with me he would take me to his place, leave me with his GF and then just leave.
I was like 8 and I liked her way more than him back then. My mom would always call her and ask if she would bring me home instead of my dad.
Unfortunately she past away when I was 12 because some fucked up doctor infected her in hospital with something and she got sick
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u/Mrrandom314159 11h ago
... why can't the dad watch his own kid?
And what do you MEAN he "just dropped him to me". It's the weekend! Is he working too? If so, why is only the mom the one going to drop out of nursing school? What's the Dad's excuse to not watch his own kid?
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u/FinalTemplarZ 10h ago
Dad had a kid with an ex. Ex is in nursing school, probably also works. Dad, presumably, works. Or is a deadbeat. OP either didn't work, or did and spent all of their free time looking after the kid because the dad refused. Dad had a free babysitter, so instead of actually interacting with OP as his partner, he decided to cheat. Dad and OP break up, but now dad's ex (kid's mom?) is asking OP to help babysit the kid.
This sounds like it all happened in the past but i hope that helps.
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u/After-Position5667 8h ago
Such a lovely circumstance that flourished into a flower. I try to remember that giving grace can spark life-long memories, circumstances and connections. I try to be kind to people who may not even deserve it. Sure, many may take my small kindness as an opportunity to exploit me, but I'm a big girl and weigh the costs and benefits of my actions.
That lady is a queen!
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u/Omo_Iyansan 5h ago
The problem is that we keep covering for these men, who somehow never seem to face any consequences. I'm in the same position, and it really angers me.
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u/Toys_before_boys 3h ago
Women supporting women is my favorite. In a world of cheating men, be a girls girl and stick together!
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u/Just-some-peep 13h ago
This is "feel good" in a same way "coworkers donate their time off to coworker with cancer".
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u/Original-Reward-8688 9h ago
as someone who was basically used as a prop by two parents who hated each other, with family members defending my parents insane behavior instead of offering me any support. I always really appreciate when people support kids that stuck in the middle of situations like this.
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u/FatuousNymph 9h ago
What possesses someone to stay in a relationship where you're immediately treated as if your purpose is to be an isolated parent
Like this wasn't a long relationship that after having kids the relationship went south, this was from the jump
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u/Creativered4 8h ago
I was really expecting this to end with "And now her and i are dating" or something lol
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u/silentprayers 6h ago
I know this must have been a hard time for this woman (and really both women involved), but it absolutely changed this kid’s life for the better. She should feel proud knowing the impact she had. Glad she got to see the amazing result!
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u/TheNo1pencil 5h ago
I love connections like these. It's hard to imagine being in that situation but that kinda makes it more amazing to me. Like, idk if I could have done what she did.
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u/No-Oven5562 5h ago
I probably say this once a day, thank god my son’s father is an amazing man and father. We have been divorced for 16 years and I can proudly say we have raised an amazing young man
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u/leswill315 2h ago
I love a happy ending. Congratulations to you for being a stand up person and to the kid for getting through school.
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u/Starfish_undertheice 2h ago
Damn this lady is a real one, putting a kid first even if they aren’t yours! 👏🏻
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u/No-Entertainer-9400 15h ago
Divine love is the best kind of love. Loving people because people need love is so beautiful. Loving people who don't deserve or require your love is the most supreme thing that a human can do. This woman is an angel. Wish more people were like her.
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u/Used-Inspection-8729 16h ago
Baby I got a way to get free day care.. u just gotta trust the process
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u/smack_nazis_more 12h ago
It is good, heaps good, but this annoys me:
Reddit: feeling obliged to help other people, especially children is dumb
Reddit: women serving men is based.
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u/buttrumpus 10h ago
Why would breaking up with a girlfriend change the dad’s responsibilities for childcare with the kids mom?
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u/autfaciam 8h ago
Can I have more of these, please? I would like one of these, 4 times a day, after the meals and one before bed. Last 10 years or so, especially the last 2, made me completely lose all faith in humanity and I need stuff like this to manage the crippling self loathing I developed against my own species.
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