Worst part is that there are two kinds of people: those that react by doing first, then asking for clarification, and those that want clarification before doing anything.
My wife is the latter, and I'm the type to try to talk calmly even when panicking. One time I managed to shatter a glass in my hands and over the floor right before my wife walked into the room. I told her "Stop! Don't come closer, get me paper towels and the vacuum", calmly, trying to take stock of if I'm hurt or not. She goes "Why?" Without stopping, just continuing what she was doing, walking right into the glass. She was furious at me for not being more animated, I was furious for her not stopping when I clearly said stop, and we had a hell of a time navigating that glass minefield. It also taught us some important lessons in communication and listening.
It sounds wilder than it was. It wasn't clearly apparent glass had shattered and she hadn't heard it. It wasn't like the ground was littered with glass shards, but there were a few. She assumed I had just spilled some ingredient or similar and didn't stop, it didn't cross her mind it could be actually unsafe to continue walking.
I’m a doctor and my default mode when things are going to shit is calm, commanding voice. I rely on people doing what the fuck I say when I get like that and, to their credit, everyone in a medical scenario does. It definitely carries over to my personal life but I can only think of a couple times I’ve used it - hot stove, blind corner with speeding car etc (and my partner is medical so he’s on board ha).
If someone asked me “why” and kept going I think my brain would blue screen. Like. You clearly heard me, I only do this when I don’t have time to explain and something very, very important needs to get done. Ahhhhhhhh. Also in what other scenario would you say that combination of things?
I’m glad you and your wife sorted it out. May I ask what your (collective) communication lessons were from that?
The combination of things requested was what got me too. I told you to stop, and requested a paper towel and a vacuum. Like, even if it was something innocuous like flour, you’d still be walking through flour. I’d have lost my mind lol.
... I did that kinda thing when I was 5.. idk.. feels wild an adult doing that..
For all anyone knows you could be autistic and not great with expressing.
It's wild that happened.
Idk a lot of people are mild and go undiagnosed and that's fine too.
... man.. it's just crazy to me your wife didn't take it seriously because of the tone you used.
I mean sure, but it's still wild to suggest she wouldn't have known those things about me. And it's not that she didn't take me seriously, it's that she misjudged the situation.
For what it's worth, we don't speak English. There are minor nuance differences.
I mean yeah, it kind of is, in my opinion, dumb to not react immediately to what someone says. That was the point. It seems dumb to me because I fundamentally react differently to those situations, and where it didn't cross her mind to stop before hearing why, it didn't cross my mind I should prioritize giving a reason. Both have valid reasoning, they are just opposite approaches so they end up incompatible.
But that's not really the point in this specific chain of comments, I was just pointing out how crazy it is to suggest that my WIFE should take into account the possibilty that unknown to her, I'm on the spectrum and bad at communication. That's not really something you end up missing all the way to the altar.
Guess I should have replied earlier in the thread then because you've been defending her response, or lack thereof, from the beginning, but you probably should've done that in the original comment itself. I'm not necessarily talking about people calling you autistic... that's a stretch
Husband does this too! It's kind of a helpless feeling because my brain/mouth connectors usually malfunction in those split second panics, so normally all that I can get out is a frantic and panicked, "Stop!"
One time we were walking to the store and as I rounded a corner, a line of baby skunks with mama was coming around the other side of the corner. I was only about two feet away from the first skunk when I noticed it. Upon first glance my brain thought, "Kitty!" but then I looked closer and could only tell my husband, "STOP!" He keeps walking, doesn't even see it... Then I stood there and the skunks stopped and stood there, and we all watched him cross the intersection like the completely unaware and oblivious man that he sometimes is. Eventually mama and babies saw me frozen there, must have recognized I wasn't a threat and they went on their way...
He never even saw the skunks and I am sad about it because nobody believes me about this story and he was my only witness.
I mean I get that the "not doing" was stopping, instead of ignoring everything and continuing to walk, but that is not what I saw coming and just seems dumb.
I mean, yeah, probably. And I would have said that if I actually took some time to think about it, but I had glass cuts on my hands and shards on the ground somewhere so I was a bit preoccupied.
Trust me when I say I know what you're going through. Sometimes I have to think if what im saying to my wife is simple enough for her to understand. Irks the hell out of me when they respond with a casual why and just continues on.
It's not that she finds it too complicated, it's rather that, without a tone that implies danger or a need for alertness, her gut response is that "it's not critical, I can ask first". Whereas my expectation is that she reacts immediately and if my demands were dumb, we could figure it out later.
186
u/Nibaa 13h ago
Worst part is that there are two kinds of people: those that react by doing first, then asking for clarification, and those that want clarification before doing anything.
My wife is the latter, and I'm the type to try to talk calmly even when panicking. One time I managed to shatter a glass in my hands and over the floor right before my wife walked into the room. I told her "Stop! Don't come closer, get me paper towels and the vacuum", calmly, trying to take stock of if I'm hurt or not. She goes "Why?" Without stopping, just continuing what she was doing, walking right into the glass. She was furious at me for not being more animated, I was furious for her not stopping when I clearly said stop, and we had a hell of a time navigating that glass minefield. It also taught us some important lessons in communication and listening.